Don't Get Mad at the Leaf...

If you are at all on a spiritual path, no doubt your have been introduced to the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The pages are riddled with ancient wisdom from the Mexican Toltec Civilization. These four agreements are as follows: "Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best." In essence, if you can master these four agreements, you will have the blueprint for living your best life. While each offers its own unique challenges, one stands out to me as being the most difficult to overcome, but could be the most transformative if truly comprehended and implemented. This one agreement is "Don't take anything personally."

Before delving into why this can be such a life changer, let's explore an aspect of the human condition. As we go about our lives, we are surrounded by people each living their own story. Every human being on this planet is the product of their own successes, disappointments, fears, and desires. These are all thoughts that people assign to their experiences, and each of these thoughts becomes intertwined with an emotion. Emotions are merely the outward expression of our innermost thoughts. All emotion, without exception begins this way...as a thought.

Emotions in and of themselves are not a problem at all, in fact, they are necessary as a way for us to examine ourselves and become our greatest version. Unfortunately, our culture does not promote healthy observation of our emotions. How many times have we been fed the line that "big boys don't cry" or "good girls don't get angry?" Our socialization process consists of rewarding children when the are "good" and punishing them when they are "bad". Nobody, however, does anything for no reason. There is always something underlying "good" or "bad" behavior. When we as parents, teachers and mentors (and I am guilty) tell a child to stop a behavior because it is bad without exploring the emotions behind the behavior, the message that gets absorbed is "I'm not worthy" or "I'm doing something wrong." Sometimes if the child is crying out for connection and gets punished instead, the signal can be "I'm unlovable."

The really harmful part of these emotions being pushed aside is that over time, these thoughts become "stories" that get stored in the child's subconscious mind and continue into adulthood. These subconscious thoughts are better known as our shadow. Throughout our lives, when things happen, these old tapes get repeated each time those same emotions are triggered, due to these hidden thoughts that have become enmeshed deep within the brain.

So now back to the agreement "Don't take anything personally." As we are living our lives and another person says something that seems offensive to us or is flat out insulting, we have to take a step back and do some investigation. First, we can take a look at the emotion that their comment or action stirs up within us. Since we know that all emotion stems from a thought, what thought immediately comes to the surface in that moment? In other words, what story are you making up about the event that just took place? It is very possible that the person you are at odds with did not even intentionally mean anything negative by what they said or did; and even if they did, we do not have to accept it as fact. More often than not, we tend to immediately try and place ourselves in their brain and make it mean what we want it to mean. Therefore, the cause of our emotion (negative or positive) is completely our own story. No outside words or events ever have to power to upset us or make us happy...that is strictly an inside job.

Here is a good analogy from author Jake Ducey. If you are walking down the street and a leaf is blowing in the wind and that leaf hits you in the face, are you going to get mad at the leaf? Perhaps if the story in your head that gets triggered is "I am a loser and these things always happen to me" then yes, you will trigger an emotion of anger or frustration. If, however, you choose to look at the leaf hitting you as beautiful reminder of the changing seasons and the fragility of nature, then you may smile and feel peaceful. It is the same situation, but the difference is what you allow it to mean.

This is most definitely not a simple agreement to master. It can take years and an extraordinary amount of hard work, but it can be done. Many spiritual teachers offer exercises in "shadow work" that address these underlying stories that we all carry from childhood. Doing this work may seem pointless to you, but it is very powerful and can absolutely shift your paradigm. Parents should not be blamed or looked at as villains for their role in helping to create these shadows. We all do the best we can at the time and most of our parenting skills are just carried over from how we were parented, not realizing that some of these practices can be damaging. It would be wonderful if we lived in a society where all children could express their emotions without being criticized for feeling what they feel. It does seem that we are evolving in this area, if rather slowly.

Once you conquer this agreement, the level of peace in your life will become exponentially greater. Someone could say right to your face that you are an awful person, but if you don't turn that comment into a true story in your mind, it can't affect you. You will realize in that moment that whatever happened was completely about the person who said or did it, not about you. The only possible way it can hurt you is if you choose to let it hurt you. When you understand that the power lies within you, everything changes for the better.

Don't get mad at the leaf...