The World's Worst Five Letter Word
For a number of years, I have been on a journey of self-discovery that has truly opened my eyes to a lot of things that have been holding me back from living my best life. Over the course of my study, I have learned that old patterns have really kept me stuck in self-imposed misery. Whether repeated negative thoughts, constant complaining and blaming, or a general crappy attitude, I have awakened to the fact that I have been creating my own destiny...and not a very pleasant one at that.
Since our thoughts create our emotions, and our emotions typically control our behavior, it is incredibly important to gain mastery in these areas. Most of the time, I am now able to observe my thoughts and actions when they first make an appearance, and I can rationalize with myself to either calm myself down, or change the thought. It takes practice, but as with anything, it gets easier over time. There is one emotion, however, that I have struggled with more than any other. It is the one that has held me hostage and kept me from becoming the person I truly know that I am supposed to be. I have lost sleep over it and have beat myself up relentlessly because of it for going on seven years. As I reveal this massively intense emotion, I'm sure some of you will relate to the power these five little letters can have over your mind; this tiny yet potent word is...guilt.
I'm writing this not because I have completely conquered this monster, but to try and put it into some perspective so as to alleviate some of the sway it has over my life. Rationally, I know that it is not serving me, but it is such a personal and deep-rooted emotion, that it is a difficult one to overcome. It is the one emotion that we direct inward, and due to us being our own worst critics...that makes addressing it challenging, though not impossible.
Guilt is the result of doing something in your life that you regret. This could be anything that you deem a mistake, whether your behavior hurt only yourself or other people. It can be a fairly minor event that triggers it, or something much more catastrophic; in either case, the accompanying emotion can be debilitating.
Being human, I have made numerous mistakes in my life that have stirred up guilt inside of me, the most painful of which was prompting my divorce and the disastrous consequences that followed. In the ensuing years, there have been countless effects of this decision that have been devastating to my life, and those of my ex-husband and our daughter. These have included countless arguments, bouts with mental illness, and our daughter's battle with anorexia. To say it has been a calamitous ride would be a gross understatement, and the guilt has been crushing at times. The tears that have been shed over it all could forge a new river into the Earth.
When we inflict pain on others, and guilt ensues, the best way to alleviate it is to sincerely offer an apology and change the subsequent behavior. After much turmoil this is the path I chose, and upon dedicating myself to becoming a better person, I was granted much needed forgiveness from those I had hurt so badly. But, even after being granted this gift, the guilt persisted. I just couldn't forgive myself, and had myself convinced that my past defined my present and future, and this is a recipe for disaster; it is also very faulty reasoning.
Spiritual teacher, Wayne Dyer, tells a story that demonstrates just how flawed this thinking can be. He speaks of a boat that sails through the water creating a wake where it had traveled. Standing at the stern, you can see the waves parting, rippling off to either side as they merge with the vast ocean. Shortly, they become one with the water where the boat had voyaged and all is calm once again. The one thing the wake did not and could not do EVER...is drive the boat. Yet when we make mistakes, we try desperately to let them "drive the boat." We don't typically figure out what we are to learn from our mistakes, and then allow life to calmly return to order. This metaphor so gracefully demonstrates how when we allow a past mistake to dictate the direction of our future, we are really meddling with nature.
Mistakes are part of the path we are on in this existence. No matter how dire, they are not intended to direct everything that happens from that moment on. It is my belief, after nearly 50 years on this planet, that life is not meant to be completely easy. There is a saying, "A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor." We are challenged in life so that we may learn about ourselves and our place in this world, and we are prompted to alter our behavior in hopes of becoming more evolved, kinder, gentler human beings. Some have it a bit easier, while others are rocked to their core, but the outcome is still meant to be the same. These events are our greatest teachers if we allow the lessons to emerge.
When you focus on a past mistake to the point that it becomes the prism through which you see your entire life...this prism can become your prison. This has certainly been true for me. The most loving gift you can give yourself in this situation is forgiveness. This doesn't mean that you condone the past behavior; it simply means that you are willing to accept it and learn the lessons it offers, and then free yourself from its clutches. The enormous weight that is lifted upon doing this can hardly be described. It is as if you can breathe again where once all airways were restricted. I won't lie and say that there are not moments when the guilt tries to edge back in, but I can now recognize it and not allow it to engulf me in utter despair.
We are all children of the Divine Spirit of this universe, whether you call that God or something else, and as such, we deserve happiness. When we condemn ourselves to a life of suffering based on past decisions, we rob ourselves of this birthright. As the famous saying so aptly states, "No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future." So take responsibility for all that you have done, apologize to those you have wronged and then lovingly forgive yourself for doing the most human thing of all...making a mistake. Don't let guilt steal one more moment of the precious life you have been given.