Tame the Enemy Within

Life is not always a smooth ride...and that is the understatement of the year. As nice as it would be to travel from day to day with blue skies and rainbows, inevitably the grey skies will emerge. In this world of duality, this is actually a good thing. We would never appreciate a good day if we never experienced a bad one. The key lies in the way we choose to manage the not so stellar moments in our lives.

For the better part of my existence on this planet, I have been what you might call a "reactor." When challenged with a negative situation, my mouth had the tendency to open before my brain even had a chance to engage. The moment an emotion was triggered in my body, a rush of adrenaline would rise up and make its appearance as a harsh comment, a pleading defense or a sarcastic quip.

In the heat of the moment, it was satisfying. I could argue my point til the cows came home, never missing a beat, and in the end, I felt quite proud of myself. In the aftermath of such exchanges, I relived the experiences multiple times as I recounted the stories of my suffering to anyone who would listen. Not only was it gratifying to tell others how "right" I was, it was an added bonus if I could get someone to agree how victimized I had been. That verification was like grabbing the brass ring. What a sense of accomplishment!

But once the tale was told and my ego had been massaged, where did that really leave me? Most times where I found myself, if I'm being honest, was harboring a lot of resentment, and drowning in a sea of broken relationships. While I had "shown them" with my serpent's tongue, the person who truly endured the brunt of the damage was me. After a few days, my adversary most likely had stopped thinking about the interaction. They went on living their life without considering the state I was in from the dialogue. However, I was left, more times than not, seething from whatever was done or said to me. I would run it over in my head endlessly, sometimes even taking the energy to think of things I "should've" said, and then getting angry with myself for not producing it during the argument.

As I am reaching the 50 year mark, I have finally realized the folly of "reacting" to situations in this way. Not only has it never generated a positive result, it has done nothing to bring anything of value into the world. I'm not saying that none of the things I have fought for have been bad. Many times, people have treated me in inappropriate ways, and I have certainly been wronged (as I have wronged others). But returning venom with venom never cured a snake bite...you must introduce an antidote.

So what am I proposing?  Gandhi famously said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Though many of us have quoted this and posted it on our Facebook walls, how many of us actually put it into practice when we are faced with challenging situations? What if the next time you are confronted by a difficult circumstance, and you are feeling threatened or mistreated, you decided to be thoughtful in your response? What if instead of allowing those strong emotions to overtake your being, you just sent a loving thought to the perpetrator? If you are of a religious persuasion, you can follow the words of Jesus, " "Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." This will have the result of not only deescalating the situation, it will also allow you to maintain your peace...which truly is the greatest gift you can give to yourself.

Just today I heard a very wise man offer a wonderful analogy that speaks to this. He said, "If a dog howls at the moon, everything is fine. If the moon howls back, the moon just made that dog a star." When you engage with someone who is provoking you, you are letting them bait you, and that shifts the power immediately to them. As soon as you partake in the argument, you have given up your self-control and thereby forfeit your joy.

Learning to become nonreactive takes practice, and is admittedly uncomfortable at first. We have been conditioned to instinctively defend ourselves when we feel attacked, but I would suggest that you can retrain yourself to thoughtfully respond rather than react. This may mean replying with a calm statement such as "I respect myself too much to allow you to speak to me (or treat me) that way," and removing yourself from the environment, or simply walking away without saying anything at all. Once you have mastered the art of self-control in these situations, you will find that people are no longer interested in instigating arguments with you. When you don't "feed the beast," the beast will go searching for sustenance elsewhere. When your goal is inner peace, you will do whatever it takes to heal the demons inside, and once you reach this tranquil place, you will wish you had arrived there long ago. In the words of an old African Proverb, "If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm."