The Greatest Love of All

There are countless epidemics plaguing society today, but I think one of the most pervasive is the plight of the "people pleaser". If I had a dime for every time I've heard someone refer to themselves in this manner, I would be retired in Tahiti by now. But seriously, what is it that makes us believe that we are somehow responsible for another person's happiness? Why are we so willing to relinquish our own well being to make sure that someone else's needs are met.

I would bet that that last sentence made some of you immediately uncomfortable, feeling that those words sound selfish. Of course we want to make other people happy...right? We've been taught since Kindergarten, or earlier, that we need to be "nice" to everyone. Don't get me wrong, I am completely in agreement that we should strive to be nice to everyone, but we have a very warped view of what this actually entails.

First of all, there is an enormous difference between selfishness and self-care. When we are born, we are necessarily self-centered. We have no comprehension that anyone else even exists. If we do not make sure that we get our needs met, we will die, so we have no choice but to practice extreme self-care. From moment to moment, we needed to ensure that we were fed, warm and safe, and so we cried until someone met those needs. Does this mean that all babies are selfish? To think that would be absurd. We understand that the baby is engaging in self-preservation. Why then, when we become adults, do we suddenly attribute this same behavior to being selfish?

As we grow, our definition of self-care evolves, and I believe it is different for everyone.

Most of us no longer have to rely on others to feed us or keep us warm and safe. Barring any unusual circumstances, these needs are things that most adults can take care of pretty easily. Instead, the things that contribute to self-preservation in adulthood are those activities that feed our souls. For me, those things include spending time alone reading, meditating, and writing. I enjoy going to listen to live music, either alone or with friends, and connecting with people I love. These things are all paramount if I am to maintain balance and live my best possible life.

So what is the difference between our needs as adults and the needs of the baby? We both are in search of things that will keep us in a healthy state of mind. In my humble opinion, it seems to come down to love. Let me explain... in the case of the baby, the caretaker (in a typical situation) will meet the child's needs in an unconditionally loving way. The baby does not have to do anything but exist to be loved and receive what it needs. Unfortunately, as we grow, this love becomes more conditional, and can be withheld based on our behavior.

At a very young age, we learn that if we do something our parents don't approve of, we will get punished and love will be withheld, in school we learn that a bad grade can end in love being withheld, and as a teenager we can lose love by not doing chores or by breaking a curfew. We begin to believe that we must live up to the expectations of others in order to be worthy of the love that, as humans, we so desperately desire. By the time we are adults, it is no wonder that we equate acquiring love with pleasing those around us. This is not only incredibly unhealthy, it is an extremely erroneous way of thinking.

Suppose you have had a long week at work, and all you really want to do is go home on Friday night and curl up with a cup of tea and a good book. You are asked by a co-worker or family member to go out for dinner and drinks instead. You immediately begin an internal battle in your head that goes something like this..."I really want to go home and be by myself, but (insert name) will be mad at me if I don't go out to dinner." Translation...they will withhold love from me if I don't do what they want. The most loving thing you could do for yourself in this instance would be to listen to your soul and go home, but more often than not, we choose the opposite. This does nothing but breed resentment and cause unnecessary stress. In the end, the only person we truly hurt is ourselves.

A more extreme example that I believe is devastating young people today is the need they feel to please their parents. So many children follow a path set out for them without ever questioning why they are doing it, or if it is really what is in alignment with their souls. A child with a penchant for art may attend law school because his parents have always dreamed of having a lawyer in the family; another who may want to be an online entrepreneur may spend four years attending college unnecessarily because his parents "never had the opportunity." These children may know with ever fiber of their beings that they are following a path that is not right for them, yet their need to be loved is greater than their ability to stand up to their parents and be autonomous. This will eventually end in disaster with the child becoming sick, depressed and/or resentful. It is fine to have dreams for your children, but as a parent, I firmly believe that although I gave my daughter life, she does not owe her life to me. This is her journey to take, and I hope that she never makes any decision based on what she believes her father or I want for her.

Regardless of age, we are all divine spirits of the universe, and we are deserving of love with no strings attached. Just as the baby is loved without giving anything in return, so should we all be loved. Too many times in relationships, people seem to keep score when they've done something for another, waiting for a reciprocal effort. This is the exact opposite of what love is supposed to be. St. Therese of Lisieux once said, "When one loves, one does not calculate." If we expect something in return when we show love...is it really love at all? I would say no.

So how do we untether ourselves from this need to please, since it is tied so closely with our need for love. Strangely, we can turn to Whitney Houston for the answer; she got is right when she sang, "I found the greatest love of all inside of me." The solution is we must learn to love ourselves. It is an impossibility that we will ever meet all the expectations of those around us, and frankly we shouldn't even try. Motivational speaker Lisa Nichols beautifully states, "We are the first example of how the world gets to treat us." If we are not being good to ourselves, we cannot expect that the outside world will treat us any better. For our own sanity, if we need to stay home all weekend in our pj's and cuddle with our animals rather than babysit someone's children, or we need to have a solo spa day to pamper ourselves rather than help somebody move, then so be it. Remember...self-care is not selfish.

This doesn't mean that we should never do anything for another person. Of course there will be times when we wish to say yes when someone asks us for a favor, but the key is we have to say yes because it is our desire to do so, and not out of fear of not being loved if we say no. If you are constantly saying yes to things you truly don't want to do than you have given up your power, and are in essence an extra in your own movie; is this really the legacy you wish to leave? This is your life to live; as far as we know, we only get one shot. So why not start pleasing yourself and doing the things that truly feed your soul? In the immortal words of Dr. Seuss, "Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter."